Saturday, December 31, 2011

I'm Going Back. {Prayers for Simon please!}

I'm writing this morning with a lot on my mind. I'm going to try to sift through the mountains of thoughts and try to get this post out as clear as possible. Bear with me.

A week from today I will hit my goal of going 365 days without Facebook. It has been quite a journey, and I've learned a lot. My heart has changed I can promise you that. If you haven't read my Facebook aha! moment, you can read that here.

Up until recently I have been torn on whether or not I want to go back on. I don't really miss it most of the time, but slowly I started feeling it on my heart that it's not about me. Why do I keep making this about me?  Ahh, because I'm human I suppose. :)

My decision at this point is about those that I truly care about. The ones that I have failed at staying in contact with this past year... 

The ones that I had no idea that their baby was born with critical conditions that needed prayer. 

The ones that came down with unique illnesses this year and I was one of the last to know. 

The ones that found out they were pregnant after a long time of trying and I wasn't able to offer my congrats.  

These are the people that I care about and just because I can't make a call to each of them every month to see how they are doing doesn't mean I don't want to know what is going on with them, pray for them, let them know I'm here for them.

At first I think I just expected everyone would get it that I was not on Facebook, therefore, if big events happened, well then text me of course! Guess what, in the heat of a moment when you are crying out for prayer you don't have time to make a second contact list of all the people that don't have social media. I remember this so clearly when we were on our knees asking for prayer on Facebook as I watched my father-in-law pass away within 72 hours of his diagnosis of cancer. This was only 2 years ago and I remember it as clear as day. I could barely get updates up on Facebook, never mind even think about anyone that I may not have reached in that way. But those posts and being surrounded by prayer on that site is what helped keep us going... I hope this is making sense.

Then something happened last night and it confirmed all the feelings I have been having. A friend of mine posted an image on Instagram of a family I know and her caption read: Praying for you Simon! My heart stopped for a moment. Wait a second.. I know them, Simon is only a few months younger than Sawyer. My husband knows her husband... what is going on with Simon!? I posted back on Instagram immediately asking what was going on, and my friend said to add her on Facebook so that I could get all the updates. I was instantly so annoyed at myself. I couldn't get the updates because I am not on Facebook. I had to have my husband add her and then he relayed all the information to me.

Little, sweet, Simon slipped and fell in the bath the night before and was taken to urgent care for what they thought was a concussion. They posted on a Facebook a picture of him in the waiting room and asked for prayer. Literally about 3 hours later they were posting saying that Simon was now fighting for his life. He was life-flighted to San Diego Children's Hospital for emergency brain surgery! Are you kidding me!? I could not believe what I was hearing. So now he went through surgery and is still in critical condition. They are trying to figure out how much brain function he has at this point, keep his temperature down and slowly get him off the sedation. I cannot even imagine the roller coaster this dear family is going through right now. I immediately started praying. I woke up about a million times last night, and every time I woke up I got out the words, Lord heal Simon. This little boy has consumed my thoughts, my prayers.

This incident confirmed what I had already been feeling. 

I'm going back.  

I can't pray, organize meals, help with fundraisers if I don't know what is going on.  

I don't take it personally that I have been the last to know about things, it's just life. Facebook and Twitter are by far the best way at reaching a lot of people in a short amount of time. I'm just thankful I had Instagram otherwise I have no idea how long it would have gone without me knowing about little Simon.

I considered getting back on Facebook a week early so that I could read the updates, but I am going to wait until the 365 are up. I'm having my husband check constantly and update me right now. We both have our hearts invested in his recovery.

Basically, at this point after dealing with my own issues of Facebook I've realized that the positive aspects of it far outweigh the negatives. And if negative feelings start to come back, well, then I should probably check my heart first.  

I'm eager to connect with those that I did lose contact with over the last year. I'm not afraid for a moment that it will consume my time because I've already dealt with that. I think at this point going back on Facebook will probably make me a better friend. If I see something going on, I can personally check in with them and get together. I'm ready to write lovey dove messages on my hubby's wall again.. LOL.

I probably will keep my blog name the same for now because, well, A Mom Without Facebook is where this blog started. It still holds special meaning to me. I think the Lord really taught me a lot during this time I spent away from Facebook. I'm glad I did it, and I'm proud of myself for committing to going the full 365 days without it. Just for the sake of discipline.

I'm still going to be blogging, because I love this way of sharing my thoughts. I love being able to look back at my blog posts this year alone and see where I have come, the different trials I have gone through, the happy moments I have shared and be able to read my exact emotion on that day. Something I will never relive. So although I may not be blogging daily, this momma isn't going anywhere.

I'm coming back to the lovely social networking site.... and if I had to choose one word to describe the feeling... humbled.

In the meantime, I do want to ask for prayer for sweet Simon. I will keep you all updated as his progress continues.

♥     ♥     ♥

I wish you all a safe and blessed New Year!

Oh and here's a little fun note to end on. I'm almost done with my first trimester! YES!!!! 


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Missing In Action.

I've definitely been missing in action lately. I have honestly cried when getting emails from some of you checking in on me because you have noticed that I haven't blogged in a while. That's just where my emotions are at right now. A big roller coaster! But thank you, so so much.

I just wanted to give a quick update because I really can't be on the computer long at all. I get dizzy even scrolling through Pinterest on my phone! How bad is that!? lol. And this has pretty much been my playroom lately. It takes everything out of me to help the kids pick it up, so most days I just don't. lol. Oh man. So not like me!

The morning sickness, or shall I say, all day sickness has been tough. I'm getting by though. Thankfully my sister and I just text and call each other and get all our complaining out and then go about our days. :) I'm now taking a nausea pill called Zofran. It's a category B med and it's helping most of the time, and then last night I lost the nausea battle. Ugh no fun! Just talking about it makes me want to run for the bathroom. Lovely!

But I just keep reminding myself... it's so worth it in the end... and there are plenty of women with morning sickness much worse than I... and some that get it the entire 40 weeks! I'll be 10 weeks on Friday and usually I start getting relief around 12/13 weeks. Almost there...

Funny thing is, when I have been feeling okay enough that food sounds really good, I've been craving salads!? WHAT? That has never happened before!! I'm not complaining, but just very strange... lol.

So I'm just praying through the tough parts and thankfully my kids and hubby have been amazing. Hubby has brought home dinner several times, helps with as much as he can at night, dishes, laundry, you name it. He's awesome. And Addy and Sawyer have been troopers. They have been playing together so well and watching a few more movies than usual, but hey, it's only a season right? The kids even come up and bring toys on my bed and just hang with me when I'm too off to do much else. I love that they just sense that something is not normal, and just hang with me. Their little spirits brighten my day. 

My sister and I both went to our first doc appointments last week. It was so funny to have both of us, our hubbys and my kids all in the waiting room together. Our doctor got quite a kick out my sister and I being due so close. She as well kept us at 4 days apart, but pushed our due dates back 1 day. Both babies are doing great and the heart beats were strong on the sonogram. My sister and her hubby thought the little "peanut" baby at just about 9 weeks looked like a wad of gum. That cracked me up. I suppose they are kind of right! haha.

I also turned 29 last week. CRAZY. It was a low key day, but I still felt spoiled and had fun hanging with my fam. My sis made these awesome rainbow sprinkle cupcakes. LOVE.

Well, I'm exhausted now so I'm going to go take it easy. That's a little update as to what has been going on over here...

It's hard to believe that this time next year I'm going to have a 7 year old {step-son}, a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a 5 month old. WOW.

Maybe we are a little crazy?

Naaa... God will never give us more than we can handle. ♥

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas...


Saturday, December 10, 2011

Mike Hawthorne. We Miss You.

It was two years ago today, that my husband lost his wonderful, loving, father to cancer. John was 26 years old. It was an absolute whirlwind of a ride. John's father, Mike, was taken to the hospital on a Monday evening after having some strange symptoms over the weekend. To our surprise, he was diagnosed with liver cancer on Tuesday evening and on Thursday we said our last goodbyes.  It was something we could barely wrap our minds around. Mike had been picking up his grandson from school just the week before...we couldn't understand how this could be happening...

I wrote this note and posted it on Facebook in order to try to come to grips with the scenario that just played out in front of my eyes. I wanted so badly to wake up, for it to be a dream. To be able to say something that could heal my husband's broken heart.. It still doesn't seem real and every time I tell someone the story they tell me they have chills. We have a lot of joy, and are very blessed, but we have not escaped tragedy by any means. We don't expect to. I like to look back on it each year, just to remember where our family has come from. And to remember Mike.

I was pregnant with Sawyer at the time and although Sawyer never got to meet his grandpa Mike, we gave Sawyer his middle name, Michael, in his honor. 

I miss him so incredibly much, but I know there will be a time where I will feel his big bear hug again.. and hear his voice... and I will rejoice seeing him without pain in a place where there will be no more tears. 

Until then, we must remember how fragile life is, how little control we have, and never take a moment of our time here for granted. 

Here is the note I wrote that evening...

♥     ♥     ♥

As I sit here and try to process the events that just took place in a few short days it is still absolutely mind boggling. A good friend put it so well that a mere 72 hours ago my father-in-law, my daughter's grandpa, and my amazing husband's daddy was diagnosed with metastasized liver cancer and tonight he is with our Lord and Savior in heaven. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions. Although I'm not a blogger of any sort, I felt compelled to write in order to come to grips with everything in my own way...or at least try to sort things out in my own mind so here goes..

Today we were supposed to do a biopsy of the tumor(s) in his liver in order to find the original cancer site in hopes of treatment, but a very different diagnosis was given...that he only had 24-48 hours left with us. Not only was Mike's liver failing, but the cancer had now spread to his kidneys and the calcium levels in his blood were still off the charts. A multiple organ failure was taking place and the doctors knew at this time that we had caught this cancer far too was so aggressive that there was nothing we could do at this point and even attempting to do the biopsy would have been a treacherous process for Mike's body to go through and even finding the original site at this point would have been a futile effort.

Mike went into an unconscious state last night and never regained consciousness. In a way it was a hidden blessing, he never even had to know his hours were limited.

All day, John's mother Terry and John's brothers surrounded Mike and spoke to him. It was a very difficult sight to see, especially where only one week ago John's mother (Terry) lost her very own dad, Don Tucker. Never in my worst nightmare could I imagine losing my father and my husband within a week of each other... but Terry was leaning on the Lord with all her heart, as we all were, and the Lord says He will never give us more than we can handle, so if that tells you anything about Terry's strength and her amazing faith I don't know what does.

I just want to personally thank each and every one of you that prayed for our family today. I want you all to know that we felt it. In a time of utter darkness, shock and confusion the family was able to find peace and not feel torn with anger and bitterness at our loss. I'm not saying it was a day without sadness and mourning, because the Lord knows how many tears were shed and many more to come, but there was an underlying peace that no one could deny.

Looking at the outpouring of love on a website that I usually use to talk about mindless matters, John and I couldn't help but be brought to our knees. We feel so blessed to have such a wonderful network of family and friends... people we hardly talk to or haven't seen in forever and those of you that are in our lives regularly all came together for us and we couldn't be more thankful. Offers for babysitting, meals, and even rides to pick up family from the airport were streaming in and I can honestly say the family was touched more than you can even imagine. Reading the posts of prayers and encouragement meant the world to us today and John was even able to read your posts to his brothers and mom as words of encouragement. (Gotta love iphones right?) All of your responses, phone calls and texts throughout the last few days really kept us going... and we will never forget it. The Lord had his arms around us and you all were a little part of that.

For those of you that didn't know him, Mike Hawthorne was a man you would never forget if you met him. His warm presence and huge smile would greet you and if you tried to shake his hand... well you wouldn't get very far because he would be hugging you instead. He was always full of compliments and probably one of the most genuine people I have ever met. A genuine giver to the core. He would do anything for his family and even just talking to him on the phone he would begin by saying, "It's so great to hear your voice!" Even on Wednesday before Mike slipped into his unconscious state he was able to speak to John on the phone and of course just like Mike would, he was whispering, "How are you my son?" It was always about everyone else... even in his final hours.

I remember first working at Hawthorne Tire right before Mike retired and he taught me everything there was to know about doing the books, paying the bills, and even taught me how to look up a tire size or two! I had never seen someone in business like him. The customers were drawn to him...almost like captivated by his teddy bear presence. He would never end a phone call without personally thanking the customer for their business. I had never seen anything like it. When he told me he had customers that had been coming there for several decades I was beginning to understand why.

I feel so honored to be part of the Hawthorne family..and the Hawthorne family business... and honored to have known Mike for the past 4 years. I feel honored to have the friends and family I do and honored to be resting at peace knowing that the Lord is carrying us through this difficult time.

I know many of you have asked if you could help our family, and honestly, this is very new to me and John so I don't even know what the next few days or weeks will bring. We don't really know what to ask for other than continued prayers for strength as the family deals with the aftermath of such a tragedy. The holidays are going to be harder this year and for many years I'm sure.

If any of you would like to post a memory of Mike, I know it would mean the world to John and the family knowing how his father touched other people's lives.

Thank you again for all your love & support...

Addyson & her grandpa Mike '08


Monday, December 5, 2011

Morning Sickness. {Prayers please}

I half expected it. I've been sick with my last two pregnancies, so although I had dreams of skipping the awful beginning, I had a feeling my days of feeling like a spring chicken were limited. The day after Thanksgiving it hit me. Nice of the little peanut to at least give me Thanksgiving to enjoy food for one last time.

Since Black Friday, I've been really down for the count. Nothing sounds good. Actually the thought of most food almost sends me running for the bathroom. The nausea lasts all day long... with very little relief. I'm wondering if any one has any remedies out there that I haven't yet tried... I'm desperate. 

My sister texted me and said it best..

You are incredibly lucky to have had it happen so easily, unfortunately it just doesn't come free. But I'm sure the payoff is worth the price...

Absolutely the payoff of a precious miracle is worth the price. And thinking about all the people out there that would do anything to be in my shoes even on my sickest of days are what keep me going sometimes. 

I am thankful.

I'm just needing a little relief in the meantime and trying to stop the feelings of guilt that come when I can't be the same mom and wife I was a few weeks ago before the nausea started... 

So I thank you for your prayers. 

And if you have any tips/tricks or advice for battling the constant nausea, please post them in the comments. 

I will most definitely be reading each and every one of them.


Friday, December 2, 2011

Instagram Friday {7 weeks preggo}

When you are 7 weeks preggo and the nausea is in full effect you start taking pictures of things like your burnt toast, Sprite and Gingersnaps...

With a little fun Christmas light decor thrown in of course. 

And for those that have popped out more than one little love, do you seriously start showing at 6 weeks!? The baby is only the size of a blueberry! But I have a bump!! 

Okay...back to the saltines and Sprite. I kinda want to punch saltines in the face right now, but we have a lot of time left together, so I better be nice to them. 

Here goes...

Oh, and you can follow me on Instagram!


{Linking up here}