It's the eve of my 30th birthday.
I knew turning 30 would be something I would always remember, but I didn't know that I would go into it on a night such as this.
Today's tragedy rocked me to the core. My cheeks are raw from wiping the tears. All day trying to hide them from my three little ones.
The overwhelming theme that I can't seem to shake is the stolen innocence.
The stolen innocence of every little child from Sandy Hook that did go home tonight to their families.
The stolen innocence of every brother, sister, step-brother, step-sister that went home without someone tonight.
The stolen innocence of that entire community.
Their childhood memories will never be the same.
I sat on the floor tonight with a giant basket of laundry and cherished the moment. Sounds so strange, but not today. I took out every tiny article of clothing and held it up. So tiny. My mind quickly raced to the parents that lost their children tonight.. how their baskets of laundry would never be the same.
I had to push images out of my brain. Pray them out each time they over took me. The thing that I had to keep reminding myself was that these were not the first parents that have lost a child. And they won't be the last. So many around us have suffered and are suffering and although the circumstances are different, the pain is the same.
Pain is something we will never escape in this world.
We can't fix a tragedy. No explanation will ever be enough.
And we all deal with it differently.
Some people respond to tragedy with a need to fix it.
Some respond to tragedy with a need to just feel the pain.
Some respond to tragedy as if nothing happened because that's the only way their mind can cope.
I could see all of this in just posts on Facebook alone. I knew each of those people were hurting in their own way. As we continue to see people react in different ways to this tragedy, my prayer is that we can try to take a step back and understand that we all mourn differently. Not spread more hate because someone may not mourn in the same way that we do.
Today I just felt the pain.
I thanked our Lord for another day with my angels and cried out for His mercy to fill the hearts of those in CT. It never seems like enough, but in the moment, it's all we can do.
Tomorrow as I wake up I know the faces behind the 20 children stolen from us will start to surface. My heart will once again be ripped from my chest.
As I look upon their faces,
I will also remember that they are right now in a place where there are no more tears.
They are in a place where there is no more pain.
They are in a place far better than we are now.
Oh days like today make me long for heaven...and cling to the promises of God..
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
God's word will not return void.
Oh Lord, I know you hear our cries tonight.
Tonight it doesn't matter how many times my baby girl wakes up.
Tonight I cherished the cuddles with my big girl on the couch and watching her dance to the music of the credits.
Tonight I smile thinking about how many times I helped my boy put his undies back on after successful trips to the potty.
Tonight I am thankful for another night with these gifts that God has given me.
Each day we have together truly is a that, a gift.